Communion with God: “A Heart Longing to See”

 

My heart holds a particular tenderness toward women who are experiencing post-abortion syndrome. Despite the various reasons for having an abortion, there are many negative emotional aftereffects associated with it, including grieving, but most women choose to suffer in silence, hoping the memory and emotional pain will fade with time. Many of them keep their secret bottled up so that no one will ever know about a child they had regretfully aborted.

But God knows.

He knows of the deep, almost unbearable pain that lingers in one’s heart, pain that carries feelings of shame, guilt, condemnation, and a deep sense of loss that never really goes away. It is like an infected wound that won’t heal. I know what these women go through because I once walked in their shoes 29 years ago. But in 2013, God, through His mercy and grace, reached down and healed me completely from the negative emotional aftereffects I had carried all those years.

I was two months into my first course, Communion with God, when I experienced the most unexpected and unforgettable vision that has remained deeply embedded in every cell of my memory. I had just completed reading chapter eight in the book, 4 Keys to Hearing God’s Voice, and began journaling about the chapter. I asked God about the reading, but instead of answering my question, He must have heard the other question in my mind about the authenticity of my visions. Seeing with the eyes of my heart was something I had never experienced before I started this course, and so I still had some traces of skepticism in my mind even though I had been practicing the four keys for several weeks now. One thing I knew for sure was that I desired to see God every time I journaled.

This is my journal entry dated June 03, 2013:

GOD: “You want to see Me so badly, but you ARE seeing Me already, aren’t you?”

In my mind’s vision, Jesus and I sat for a while on our favorite rock on the beach. Neither of us spoke a word. I finally opened up and told the LORD that I thought I would be seeing a “true” vision like the woman in the book who shared of her vision of her baby who died. I wanted to see an open vision—like a movie theater screen in front of me—because sometimes my mind’s visions were not as crystal clear as I had expected them to be.

The LORD reached over and took my right hand. The moment we stood up, He raised His right arm, and we went straight up through the sky and into space. We were traveling at such a high speed, yet I saw space as though it were daytime. We passed through thick white clouds, and then we stopped. The LORD released my hand and stepped aside. I turned to look at Jesus, wondering why He stood back there, but He didn’t say a word. When I looked forward again, there standing before me was a boy. He was a little taller than me and dressed in white with a soft smile on his face. He looked so peaceful and happy. Immediately I sensed that he was the eight-week-old fetus I had aborted 25 years ago. He didn’t appear to be 25, but more like a young teenager and so pure in every sense of the word. His facial features somewhat resembled my older daughter. He had short dark hair that was parted in the middle. He never stopped smiling at me. I nervously asked him if he was really mine, and he nodded yes. I started weeping. I reached out and gently hugged him. Such a slim boy. Quiet boy. So sweet and gentle. I told him how sorry I was and if he would forgive me. He didn’t have a name, and I knew this even though he hadn’t said anything. I told him that whatever name Jesus wanted to give him would be fine with me. I felt horribly ashamed for what I had done. All I wanted to do at that moment was to leave his presence.

The next thing I knew, Jesus took my hand and we returned to earth. We were back, sitting on the rock on the beach. I covered my face and started weeping profusely and in agony. When I looked up, I was back in my kitchen, sitting at the counter.

The LORD spoke to me in a gentle voice. “You asked Me about your first child, and I showed you because you wanted to know.”

My uncontrollable crying continued for the next hour.

(You see, a couple of days before this vision occurred, I asked God if I could see the child I had aborted, but immediately condemned myself for daring to even ask Him. I told myself that I didn’t deserve this privilege; I had no right to know, and that I would just have to wait until I died and went to heaven. I deleted my question from my journal and regretted that I had even dared to ask God about my child. But the LORD had other plans.)

“Jesus, why didn’t he talk to me? Why didn’t he say a few words to me?”

“Because if he did, you would not want to let him go. You cannot stay where he is. Not now.”

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Summary from subsequent journal entries:

For the next three days, I wept every time I thought about that vision. My heart felt a deep sadness and regret all over again, and I cried unto the LORD innumerable times to forgive me and to scrub me of this ugliness I felt within.

When I awakened on the fourth day, the heaviness on my heart was completely gone. Gone! Not a trace of any shame, guilt, condemnation, regret or loss. Even my tears had dried up.

Then I heard a voice within me say, “Give him a name.”

‘Oh! But I told my son that whatever name Jesus wanted to give him was fine with me.”

Again I heard the voice say, “Give him a name.”

And so I told Holy Spirit to let my son know that his name is Justin.

From that divine experience, I was completely set free from the tormenting memories of that tragedy that occurred many years ago. God demonstrated to me that He is my Counselor, Healer, Deliverer, and a good Father who can and does restore a person to being whole again. He really does make ALL things new.

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Since January of 2014, I have been ministering to women whom the LORD sends my way to receive deliverance and inner healing from the trauma of having an abortion(I will blog on this in the future).  Holy Spirit has never—never—failed to show up in our meetings, and He always amazes me in what He can do in each woman when she finally surrenders her secret to Him.